


Pure love

by SweetHeaven



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M, One-sided Izaya Orihara/Shizuo Heiwajima, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 15:11:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14696754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetHeaven/pseuds/SweetHeaven
Summary: Just a short drabble about Izaya's feelings.





	Pure love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Riri1342](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riri1342/gifts).



> This is a "Thank you gift" for my dear Riri1342, to thank her for taking the time to explain to me how to upload works here and for being so patient!! If you have come across this drabble because you like Shizaya, you should check her amazing work.

Pure love doesn't exist. Izaya knows it, he has always known it.

He is sure that there can't be anything pure in the incredibly selfish act of loving someone. The act of wanting someone for yourself. 

People act as if the ultimate goal of loving someone was to make that person happy. Izaya knows that's bullshit. The ultimate goal of loving someone is making _oneself_ happy.

None wants a love that makes them sad, hurts and makes them suffer. A man can be in a relationship full of problems, living on a permanent crisis, but as long as _he_ is happy, he won't even notice things are going wrong. Or he just won't care.

Those who have unrequited feelings for someone always claim that they only want the other person to be happy even if it's not with them, that the other person's happiness makes them happy, too. _Liars!_ Izaya has never met a person who was genuinely content about their beloved being in a healthy, stable relationship with someone else.

People always, _always_ search for their own happiness. Sometimes, said happiness just happens to be obtained by making someone else happy. But there's nothing selfless about that. 

Nothing pure.

There's nothing redeemable in Shinra's facepalm-inducing fixation with Celty, the Death fairy who probably can't tell romantic love from what she feels for her horse-bike. Or in Namie's unhealthy obsession for her little brother. And they probably think that all they do is for their beloved's sake.

Selfish fools, all of them.

Izaya's acquaintances seem to think that he's unable to love. As if they knew what love really is. Apparently, they believe that his so-called love for all humans is just a way of not loving anyone at all. 

They are wrong. Izaya loves. He loves with a scorching passion. But he doesn't delude himself into thinking his feelings are selfless.

He's aware of the fact that he fights for his own happiness, and not for that of the object of his affection, a certain Shizuo Heiwajima.

Izaya can't say he feels happier when Shizuo is happy, or that he is sad when Shizuo is sad. But he knows he is _elated_ when he has  Shizuo's undivided attention.

He admits his heart flutters when Shizuo yells his name -it doesn't matter that it's usually followed by a death threat.

He knows that the fact that his pulse quickens every time that Shizuo's fist is about to connect with his face -Shizuo's skin almost touching his own skin- is not only due to the adrenaline released during the chase. 

And he believes there's nothing wrong with that. It must seem twisted to those who have preconceived ideas about what's the 'right way' of loving, but at least it's not a farce of love.

Well, it's not that he can't understand why people enjoy that kind of lovey-dovey behaviour. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with the person you love.

Izaya is not alien to the concept of intimacy. He is alright with physical contact. He doesn't have any problems to expose his naked body, like those people who see it as some sign of vulnerability that they only can show to the person they love.

Izaya is not a prude. After all, he has visited a fair amount of beds, and all those shags have been more honest in nature than most of those encounters which are supposedly based on love and on a so-called mutual trust. 

If Izaya could get Shizuo into his bed -if only he _could_ -, he would prove that his way of loving is sincere, it is intense, it is passionate, it is real and comes from the bottom of his heart.

He wonders if the kind of things he would like to do with Shizuo would fall into the category of what 'romantics' would call 'making love'. To be honest, he doesn't care.

He just wants to feel the beast between his legs, crazy with desire, embracing him with such a strength that Izaya wouldn't know if the next thrust would break him in two. He doesn't mind being fragile in Shizuo's arms.

He wants to grasp the blonde hair, to force the monster to look him in the eye and obey every order Izaya gives, to know that he's entirely at Izaya's feet even when he's the one thrusting mercilessly into him.

And he wants to touch Shizuo. He wants it so _badly_. He wants to run his fingers down  Shizuo's long spine. He wants to lick his chiselled chest, to play with his nipples. He wants to cup his big dick in the palm of his hand and make it hard just by moving his thumb across the tip.

Sadly, he knows Shizuo would break every bone in his hand -in his body, actually- if Izaya tried to touch him, especially if he tried to touch him gently. After all, Shizuo is a monster who only understands violence.

So every time they meet and their bodies get close, Izaya clenches his fists inside his pockets, stopping himself from reaching out and brushing his fingers against Shizuo's cheek.

But he has an ace up his sleeve in the shape of a small weapon. His switchblade reaches spots that his hand doesn't dare touch. He shudders when he imagines the feeling of the cold metal caressing Shizuo's neck, in the same way that his index finger would run down his skin.

It's not that Izaya wants to cause him pain; it's just that he wants to leave a lasting impression. And nothing lasts longer than an ugly scar.

If wanting Shizuo to think of him every time he looks at his reflection in a mirror is not true love, then what is?

What he feels for Shizuo is very different from his interest in his beloved humans. It goes beyond the morbid fascination he experiences when he observes, analyses and manipulates lives and fates.

When he watches his humans, no matter how closely, he does it in a detached way, very much in the manner a scientist would observe bacteria through the glass of a microscope. And when he interacts with them, it's just for fun.

But when he interacts with Shizuo, it's not even a choice. He does it because he _needs_ it. It is like a drug. He  just can't get enough. Even when it hurts. In fact, the more it hurts, the more he wants.

Somehow he's sure that, in a twisted way, Shizuo is addicted to him, too. Because whenever Izaya sets foot in Ikebukuro, Shizuo _knows_. The beast  looks for him, even though he could very well ignore his presence and let him be.

Apparently, Shizuo can't just leave him alone. Not that Izaya is going to complain about that, of course. Shizuo being bound to him forever one way or the other is what he wants the most. And if that means being sworn enemies for the rest of their lives, then _so be it_.

Recently Izaya is worried about something, though. In the past, Shizuo was a lonesome monster. He had no friends, people were scared of him. Whether Shizuo wanted it or not, Izaya was the only person who would show any interest in him.

And that thought would make Izaya shiver. He just wants to be the centre of Shizuo's universe.

But now, the monster has friends. There are people who care about him, people who are close to him. There is e _ven a potential love interest_ fluttering around him.

Her name is Vorona, a blonde bimbo who always seems bored and is always boring. She loves Shizuo, Izaya can tell just by looking at her. He knew it would happen from the moment he saw Shizuo buying her a drink from a vending machine. The way her eyes softened, the barely-there pink hue colouring her cheeks.

Even though she was supposed to hurt him, to _kill him_ , she had ended up falling for the first sign of kindness he had shown her. Like the plot of a cliché movie in which the big bad villain is redeemed by love in the sappiest way possible. Oh, how awfully predictable!

And the worst thing is, even though Shizuo doesn't reciprocate her feelings yet, he might do in the future.

Not that his feelings are worth that much, mind you. He's just a monster after all. 

That's not to say that Izaya doesn't mind it if Shizuo comes to love her. The fact that he's alright with not having Shizuo doesn't mean he's alright with the beast belonging to someone else.

Izaya can't stand the idea of that woman touching what is his. Thinking of her filthy hands caressing the skin that belongs to Izaya as much as it belongs to Shizuo makes him sick.

The fact that she actually thinks she is worth of Shizuo's love angers Izaya to no end.

He can only roll his eyes at how pathetic her fantasies are. As if she had any right to expect Shizuo to make her happy. Because -and Izaya is sure of this- she cares more about her own happiness than about Shizuo's.

If Vorona really cared about Shizuo's happiness, she would just let him be. She wouldn't try to change him. She wouldn't try to convince him that he's not the monster Shizuo knows he is. 

Vorona's love for Shizuo is even more selfish than Izaya's, because it isn't really based on the way Shizuo is. Vorona doesn't love Shizuo because she accepts he's a monster but she can make him happy. Vorona loves Shizuo because he makes her feel _she_ is not the monster she used to be.

Vorona loves Shizuo because he makes her feel better about herself. Perhaps she doesn't even realise it. But Izaya does.

The worst of all -the funniest part, really- is that if Shizuo and Vorona become a couple, all their friends will cheer for them as if that was something to celebrate. They will congratulate them and will support their relationship, clapping their backs and saying 'well done!', as if they had accomplished something very important, something _good_.

And while they look at the new couple smiling like idiots, thinking that is wonderful that they have finally entered the world of romantic relationship, Izaya will just look at them all and will shake his head, pitying them for their ignorance, for their delusions about what true love really is.

Because they will continue living in a dream in which people are actually able to love one another in a selfless way. An illusion in which they are convinced that their pathetic attempt at hiding the fact that they seek their own happiness and none else's is actually working.

A world in which they deceive themselves into thinking that their love is _pure_.

Izaya laughs. All those idiots know nothing about real love. They only believe all the lies they are fed about how a person in love is supposed to feel, about what is the correct way of loving and of showing love.

They delude themselves into thinking that they understand love, that there is nothing impure in their feelings, like selfishness, or jealousy, or a desire to monopolize.

They will delude themselves into thinking that their love is so pure that they are able to accept the other person just the way they are, without trying to change them, without expecting them to become their 'ideal' partner, without selfishly wanting them to get rid of their flaws.

Izaya would never do that to Shizuo. He wouldn't expect him to stop being the monster he is just for Izaya's sake.

Izaya would never fall in the trap of thinking his feelings are aimed at making Shizuo happy, either.

Just let all those fool think that they really know what true love is.

I n that world of self-deception, of fucked-up selfishness and of twisted love, his feelings for Shizuo -Izaya reflects- are the purest of them all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :) I don't have a beta and English is not my first language, so I apologise for any mistakes.


End file.
